28 is My Prize

I am 28 today, and I feel like I completely earned this year. Almost as if I continued to be 27, I would feel as if I earned first place without getting the trophy. I have earned all of being 28...may have even earned a few easy years I have had in the past.In the past year and a half I have learned more about life, relationships, and myself than I thought I ever could. Everyone always says that once you become a mom you will never be the same person again. Jasper being born was life altering; it changed everything. He made me better...much more loving, selfless, considerate, and understanding. He made me learn to not sweat the small stuff, and when to put fun before work. Being a mom taught me that I can't try to do everything perfect all the time, I need to let some things slide once in a while or else I will drive myself mad. I can't cook every night, have the house clean, do fun activities with Jasper all day, and get my work done. Every day something has to be let go, and some days all of it. And that doesn't make me a failure. In the long run, it makes me a much happier person.I didn't think I could grow up any quicker than that, one moment I was the old Leah and the next I was a mom. But this past year I did. So much of myself was changed in a split second when I heard the word cancer come out of my mom's mouth. But so much more of myself has changed, aged, matured, and taken shape the slow hard way of struggling through each long day these past nine months. I am very thankful for some of the things I have learned, thankful for many of the changes that I have accepted as the new me. But there are some things that have changed in me that I wish would have never happened. For one, I always think something bad is going to happen. I was like this before cancer (BC) because of my dad's illness and death, my uncles death, and my grandma's stroke, but this feeling has reached a new level. BC I thought I was just programed this way because of things that happened mostly when I was little, but deep down inside I wondered how much bad can happen to one family, one person? But, unfortunately, I have learned that there is no limit, so I am in constant fear, always thinking the worst, always expecting it.I seem to be less of a dreamer, a little more practical - less hopeful. Now I wouldn't say I don't dream at all because I would definitely still label myself as a dreamer. Always thinking up crazy ideas, lofty aspirations, big goals...but some of it has been taken away from me this year.I am not as joyful. BC I was in the happiest time of my life. Truly...I cannot remember a happier time. Everything seemed perfect, and I knew it (because of always feeling like something would go wrong). I cannot count the number of times I asked Trevor, "What is going to go wrong? Something has to soon, and I don't want it to." Last October, Jasper was 9 months old, just starting to crawl. I was starting to feel myself again for the first time post baby. We were doing lots of fun family activities, work was going great, the weather was beautiful. Jasper had his first Halloween and he dressed up as a postman just like Grandpa. I had been planning his costume for months and it turned out just perfect. I literally just had a smile on my face all the time. And now, everything always seems a little tarnished because my mom is sick. A little less perfect, even though it may be close at times, it just isn't. So I am just not completely joyful, or maybe a better word would be lighthearted. Happy at times, definitely, but not lighthearted.My days are filled fuller than ever, and I am just plain exhausted most days. That makes me out to be not as good as person as I would like to be. Being well rested makes everything always look brighter.Luckily, the good things I have learned far outweigh the bad. If I thought I was unselfish after Jasper was born, I am even less. Maybe too much sometimes. But my family always comes first now, and for good reason. I am always willing to let something of mine slide to help someone in my family. Always.I have deeply learned what it means to be compassionate. Now that I understand it, I don't think I ever really understood this feeling before.I have learned more than ever how to help people when they need it - how to know what people need. What to say when people are facing a hardship, what not to say. How to be there for people. This is something that I can carry with me throughout my life. To many people these things do not come natural, and to the ones that are good at it are truly blessed with this skill from God because it is a hard thing to do. I am defintely not perfect at this, but I am learning from many experiences these past months. I am glad to learn this skill. Sometimes, when life gets hard, it helps to know that someone has been there too, and I will be able to say that to someone someday.I have learned so much about cancer and how bad it truly sucks. I never really understood. But now I do to the 100th degree.I honestly feel bad for people that have not gone through any hardships in their life. Nothing truly life changing. I really do. I came to this realization this past spring. I am thankful for what I have gone through in life because at my young age I really know how to appreciate every tiny moment. I know who I truly am, and I am not faking my way through. I do not take anything for granted. I try to live every day. I try my best not to do anything that is going to make me unhappy (within reason obviously). I love on my family like crazy. I do not go through the motions, trying to make every day special. And the thing is, I see people hating their jobs when they could get out, complaining about what they have filled their weeks with, not being happy with the possessions that they do have, taking their family for granted completely - and I feel bad that they have not had a life altering event to get them on track. Truly feel bad that they have not walked in my footsteps because in the end they would be a happier person.Family always comes first. Always. Period.I am learning to live one day at a time. I never truly embraced this until now. First of all, each day is too full to look ahead to the next yet. And secondly, if I do look more than one day in advance I get completely overwhelmed. It is not worth it. Each day I only think about what is on the schedule for that day, and enjoy it. I could dread the things that are planned to happen that day for weeks, or I could just make the most of it that day. It is something that I really thought I would never be able to learn (I am such a list oriented and calendar type of person) but I was forced to learn it, and for that I am thankful.I am more thankful. Thankful for everything I am blessed with.I know there is always somebody out there that has it way worse than me. Really. I have read lots of memoirs this year of horrible things happening to people, and they all have survived to tell the story. This has made me feel better because it makes me feel like I don't have it so bad, I am not the only one that has had struggles in my life.I am learning how to accept help. And be gracious about it.I am learning how to listen. Sometimes all people need is a listening ear so that they can talk, share what they are feeling. It makes you feel better. Many times I just want someone that I can rant to without them giving any advice, and because of this I have learned to listen.I have learned how to feel every emotion fully. Anger, Sadness, Hurt, Love, Happiness, Elation. I have felt it all fuller this year than ever before.I have learned a lot this year. I think it I met my 26 year old self I wouldn't recognize her. Really, I wouldn't...she didn't have wrinkles or these dark bags under her eyes. HA! But she hadn't quite earned them yet either. Sometimes I get upset thinking back to that old Leah, wishing I was still her and didn't know all that I know now. But most of the time, I know that I needed to learn this all someday, I just went the hard way about it.That reminds me of this quote that I read the other day..."we were made to accomplish the easy things and made to live through the things hard." - Charles BukowskiI accomplished all of my early 20's, but this past year I have lived through it. And have learned lots from it.I am sure proud of turning 28, I have earned it! And I am celebrating! Another year that I have been blessed with, surrounded by loving family, friends, and all the things that truly matter.As a side note, with all of this learning and changing, I have had the awful feeling the past few months that my business was not me anymore. I have been seeing this coming. Something about it all just wasn't quite right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I had grown so much, but my business hadn't in the same ways. I debated every scenario, even quitting all together. But I couldn't even dream of it because I am still so passionate for photography. I have always dreamed of being a writer though, possibly having a blog that featured my everyday life, and I was being pulled towards this stronger than ever before. Then, after months of thinking, struggling, questioning, and brainstorming, it came to me in a blink of an eye. I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it before.Soon, I will not be working under the name L. Renee Studio, but as Leah Fruth - Photographer and Writer. And it feels so much better. It is me!! (Obviously) I will be blending my photography, my writing, and my life. I have never really been able to separate any of it anyways, and instead of always fighting it I am going to embrace it. I've always hated questioning whether a post on my blog isn't enough about photography or too much about my family. I am now going to write about anything, everything. I cannot wait to mix that in with my love of photography and photography my wonderful clients that might as well be my family. I am working on my website design, blog, logo, and everything that goes with this change. I wish I knew when it would be done, but I don't. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I am just so excited! Hopefully you will all like the change too. It feels more me.So today, for my birthday, be thankful, present, and love your life. Sounds cheesy, but sometimes the truth is.