Happy Birthday Jasper!

Last year, on Jasper's first birthday, I wrote him a letter.  (You can read that here)  Before becoming a mom, I was not an emotional person.  Not at all!  I honestly would roll my eyes at mothers that cried at every little milestone thinking it was quite ridiculous.  Just another area that I have been proven wrong - I am quite emotional now.Jasper's 2nd birthday really snuck up on me, and the past week and a half has been an emotional roller coaster.  I was heartbroken over him turning two.  I wanted to go back in time.  I tried to make everything fun and celebrate with him all weekend and we did, but I kept breaking down in tears in the middle of it all.The night before Jasper's birthday he was cuddling on Trevor's lap at the end of a great day filled with baking cupcakes and getting ready for his birthday celebration, and I sat down on the ottoman staring at my baby boy.  I burst into tears.  Trevor looked at me and said, "What's wrong?"  I replied, "I don't want him to turn 2."Luckily, my husband knows me better than I know myself sometimes and simply told me that it wasn't about Jasper turning 2 but because my mom wasn't there to see it.  I knew he was right, and so I sobbed harder.Jasper is the one that has moved on the fastest.  I can count on one hand how many times he has noticed that Mama is gone.  I cannot even begin to count the many ways he has changed since the last time she saw him.  And everything in his world is different from when he saw her last.  He is the reminder daily on how much my mom is missing out on, and how many moments I want her to be here to see.  Jasper turning two was my breaking point.And so, for the past 5 days now, I have been working on writing another letter to Jasper for his birthday, but it has been so extremely hard to write.  I could have made it all perfect and happy about how much he has changed in the past year, but when he reads this someday I want him to remember what a huge part of his life Mama was even if it wasn't for nearly long enough.  And I know the strength of her love for him, through me, Trevor, my Dad, and all of my siblings will be felt by him forever.So, if you are still reading after what was supposed to be a short intro, here is my letter to Jasper:

Dear Jasper,

Oh my baby boy, how is it possible that you are two years old?!  I cannot believe how old you are getting so quickly!  You are no longer my baby boy, but yet my little toddler.

You don't just walk, but you run, jump, crash into things (on purpose), and just in the past few days started walking on your tip toes.  You never stop talking and continue to repeat yourself until we repeat it back to you showing we know exactly what you are saying.  You are so smart...I cannot believe how observant you are and how much you learn each day.

I love when you reach for my hand, requesting firmly, "Hand!" so that you can show me where you want me to go.  It melts my heart when you ask to "cuddle" or as you say, "tuddle".  You crack me up when you shake hands with your competitor before you start a wrestling match.  I love taking you to gymnastics and watching you grow and learn new things each week.  You are becoming so much more social and outgoing - talking to everyone at the grocery store and helping me put things in the cart.  

My heart swells when you notice that someone is sad and your face reflects their sadness.  You are so caring, and I hope and pray that you will always have that compassion.  I love how much you love all of your family and especially how much you adore your uncles.

This past year you have been through more than you will remember.  There are parts that I am glad you can forget and I pray that you will never have to fully experience like we have.  But yet, there are many moments and feelings that I wish you could remember.

I wish you could remember cuddling in bed with Mama playing with her iPad and the joy you brought to her with your excitement to see her.  

I wish you could remember the time we put your baby pool in Mama's back yard so that she could watch you swim and afterwards eating an icee while sitting on her lap with it dripping all over.

I wish you could remember all our trips to Defiance taking Mama to chemo and doctor's appointments.  Even though it wasn't a great place to be going, we always enjoyed being together just the three of us.  You were always so flexible with your nap schedule when you needed to be and you were such a good boy when we would have to wait.  Mama felt so badly that she was the reason you were being drug around, but she was always so glad that you were there.  She would brag and show you off to all the nurses.  You were her light, her joy, and one of her many reasons she fought so hard and long.

I wish you could remember the day Mama felt well enough after chemo and wanted to go out to Applebee's.  I knew you were tired because we had already been out of the house for two hours grocery shopping while she was doing her treatment, but I just couldn't say no to her.  We went and not only did we not enjoy our food, but you screamed the entire time.  For over half the meal I walked you around the parking lot while Mama and Isaac got their food and ate.  It was stressful but we laughed all the way home about it.  

I wish you could remember all the times you ate breakfast in bed with Mama.  As she became sicker, we went over every morning to make her breakfast and you would always sit with her in bed and eat half of her scrambled eggs even though you already ate your breakfast at home a half hour before.

I wish you could remember the last time we went shopping with Mama.  It was only 2 1/2 weeks before she died. We took Mama for her blood work and then she wanted to go shopping to get out after being in the  house so long.  We trekked back and forth through the aisles at Wal-Mart - you sitting on Mama's lap while I pushed you both in her wheel chair.  I was out of breath while you two were laughing and having fun piling up little toys and trinkets Mama was buying for you as she kept saying, "I never get to do this...just buying things for him."  You got a Lightning McQueen Car and Mater, stickers, and a little cleaning caddy filled with supplies so that you could clean just like Mama.  After being worn out from Wal-Mart we didn't stop there.  We ate Arby's in the car with the warm October wind blowing through the open windows and we laughed as you drank our pop like it was the best thing you had ever tasted.  And then we even made it to Kohl's, and as I was trying on shoes you were running through the aisles and climbing the racks.  Mama said she would watch you so that I could try some on but then we just laughed because there was no way she was keeping up with you.

I wish you could remember the very next day when we took Mama to Sauder Village.  My arms were still tired from pushing you two the day before, but she was so excited to go with us.  We walked through the barns to see all the animals, sat in the 1900's church, rode the train, and finished the afternoon sharing a bowl of ice cream.  I remember thinking how very special this day was, trying to soak it all up, but I didn't know it would be our last outing together.  We had so much fun!

Most of all, I hope you will remember how much she loved you.  She always wanted to be a Grandma, and although she experienced this role for too short of time, she got to experience it.  She loved every minute of it!  I pray that you will feel her deep love through all of us because she first taught us how to love fully.  That you will see parts of her in all of us, and learn how to love that deeply too.  

You have no idea how much you have already impacted all of our lives in only two short years!  You are one amazing little boy!  Thank you for being our light, our laughter, and the one that binds us all together.  I love you, baby!  Happy 2nd Birthday!

I don't claim to be a great baker, and I'm definitely not good at cake decorating, but Jasper and I had fun designing and decorating his cupcakes.  I always felt so special when my mom took the time to make my birthday cake, and I wanted to create those same memories with Jasper.  He loves Jake and the Neverland Pirates so he picked out the figurines.  We searched all over trying to find gold coins for the gold doubloons, and he was so excited when we finally found them!  We created so many great memories making his cupcakes.