She Knew My Name!

One year ago was a different day than today.  One year ago I went to the same Fabulous Conference that I attended today solely to hear Shauna Niequist speak.  If you read my blog much, you know that I am mildly obsessed with her.  The obsession is simply love for her because her words have changed me like nothing ever has before.A little over a year ago, I had already read both of her books and had been following her blog when I randomly decided to look at her speaking schedule.  I almost fell off my chair when I saw that she was coming to Toledo only a few short months later.  I knew I had to go.  I immediately bought two tickets knowing for sure I could get someone to go with me.My first option, which has always been my first option, was my mom.  But she was already too sick and tired from the cancer and chemo treatments.  I would have taken my sister, but she lives in Chicago and couldn't make it home for a Thursday morning.  I have never been one to have a lot of close girlfriends, but I asked every single one I knew.  No one could go. I was upset and sad, but I so badly wanted to see Shauna that I decided to just go alone.It's never easy to walk into an event all by yourself, especially when you don't know anyone, but the excitement alone carried me in.  I stood around in the lobby, eyes darting, hoping they would open the doors quickly so I could just get in my seat.  I ran into a hometown acquaintance, and she invited me to sit with her.  We sat down together, but I felt more alone than ever.  Shauna came out and started speaking, and I felt as if I was seeing the biggest rockstar of all time.  I might as well have posters of her all over my walls (well, I sort of do because I have words of hers hanging on my walls).Shauna spoke that day about friendship.  And I broke.  Every little piece of me felt like it was shattering on the inside.  Of all things she could talk about, she was talking about deep, real, meaningful friendships, and I was sitting there all alone.  Not only was I alone, but my go to person, my best friend, my mom was dying.  I knew I wouldn't have her for that much longer, and I knew she was all I had.I sat there numb, yet hanging on every word.  I knew right then that I had to do something to create better friendships.  I had never needed to before because my mom was always there for me, but I knew I would have to soon.  I knew all about Shauna's upcoming book, Bread and Wine, and I vowed right then and there that I would begin a book club for her book release.  I knew it would be symbolic, and it would be the perfect book to start with since it was about friendships, community, and bringing people around a table.After Shauna was done speaking, I ran out to be the first in line for her book signing.  I knew exactly what I was going to say to her, but once she arrived it all came out in a jumbled mess.  Her favorite author is Anne Lamott and she once said this about her..

Because she’s the one. The one who gave me a picture of WHAT I WANTED TO BE, what I wanted to do with my life, and what I wanted to do with my words. She’s the one who made me think a girl like me could make something beautiful and meaningful, when I thought that work was only being done by men who knew all the answers, not by women who had lots of questions.

She changed everything for me.

I stood there while Shauna was signing my books and told her in a shaky voice with my words coming out way too fast that she was MY Anne Lamott.  And it's true.  She has changed everything for me.  And she makes me believe that someday this whole writing thing won't be such a crazy idea.And now, today, looking back at the past year, I cannot believe how far I have come.  Life has a crazy way of shaping, and we truly cannot even begin to imagine the future.  I did start that book club I vowed that day to begin.  Even though I had many doubts and questions like, "What if no one comes?", I courageously sent out that first email to them all telling them what I wanted to do.  I made it through the toughest days that I could have ever imagined happening in my life, and I am still standing.  Even though life without my mom is ragged and rough, life is still beautiful.  I slowly have been making more space in my life for writing, and I am so excited to see where it goes.  I was a recipe tester for Shauna's new book, my name is listed in the back of her book, and I am still crazy happy that I got a pre-released copy of Bread and Wine.And to top it all off, this past Tuesday, my book club, the one that last year I couldn't even fully imagine, sat in my living room around the tv while we chatted with Shauna over skype.  It all feels as if it has come full circle.  I have one of my favorite Shauna quotes hanging on my wall that says, "...sometimes the happiest ending isn't the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are."  I absolutely could not have even imagined the book club sitting at my house talking with Shauna (well, maybe, in my crazy stalker-ish daydreams), but never would I have thought it would really come true.Life is crazy!  I don't know where it is going, but I know if I keep putting in the effort, keep putting in the time good will come of it.So as I sat there today, at the same Fabulous Conference I attended last year heartbroken and hopeless, today I sat in amazement of how far I had come in one years' time.  I could hear her words about friendship and they sounded different to me this time.  They were filled with hope instead of sorrow.  I still have days filled with sorrow in my life, but yet there is always hope.The morning went so quickly.  I could have listened to her read her entire book.  But as it ended, we rushed out to get in the book signing line.  And just like I could not imagine any of these crazy events in my life, I couldn't image what was going to happen next.  As I got to the front of the line, Shauna looked up at me and exclaimed, "Leah, right?!", and she stood up and gave me a hug as if she knew me as well as I know her.  I laughed and said, "You know my name!  You just made my day!"But what she doesn't know is she just didn't make my day, but she has been there through every joyous and sorrowful moment in my life for the past three years.  Her words encourage me, and she has changed me.  She has helped make me into the woman I am today, and the woman I am striving to be.  Thank you, Shauna.  Thank you for being the one.