Turning 34 + I'm Not Holding Back
When I shut down this blog eight months ago, I told myself I would have it up and running again within the next couple of months. My goal always was to come right back to this space and sharing online after my photography business was closed. But I kept holding back...the timing wasn't right, I was focused on some other project, it was summer with the kids, or I thought it would simply take too much time that I just didn't have to give. Really though, I'm thinking I was holding back out of fear.Fearful that my words wouldn't matter. Fearful that no one would read it. Fearful that people would read it. Fearful that I would share too much. Fearful that I would filter myself and not share enough. Fearful that I should be focused on writing just for myself or writing the book I dream of writing. Fearful I would post once and then let my blog sit for months on end again. Fearful I would run out of things to say. Fearful people just wouldn't get it.I don't know if my words will matter, I don't know if I am sharing in the right form of media, I don't have all the answers...but I do know without a doubt that God is asking me to share more and I simply need to take one step at a time in that direction.So, today, on my 34th birthday, I'm setting aside those fears for the day. I plan to fight those fears each and every day because with age I have learned that the fight is never finished.My birthday is the day I give myself every year to write and look over the past year of my life -- to see how far I have come, and to set a vision for how far I want to go. So for my birthday I am giving myself the gift of relaunching this blog. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!) Relaunching it simply because I like to write here.I just started reading Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher, and this paragraph settled deep within me. (Might have stood out to me because of the word Less being my 2015 word of the year which you can read about here)
That's the mission that God has for our little lives: that we become less selfish, less absorbed with our own thoughts, less critical, less negative, and ultimately happier because of all the "less." God is not a god of self-improvement, but he is a God who knows that if we could just get out of our own way -- just stop thinking the world revolves around us -- we would be so much happier and the world would be so much better off.
I don't know about you, but I can be so self-absorbed. I hold back so often because I don't know how people will take it or what they will think of me. I stay quiet when I really want to speak. I stop myself from asking a friend a deep question because I'm afraid they will think I am taking it too far. I filter myself with what I share, fearing I will share too much. I hold back from sharing my faith for fear of making someone uncomfortable. I am critical of myself and SO SELF ABSORBED!And then I think...if I could just get out of my own way God could use me in ways to further His Kingdom that I cannot even imagine. It's just one step at a time choosing to not hold back: to write the words, to share how I am hurting with a friend, to ask the girlfriend the tough questions, to pray over my husband, my kids, my friends, to not be afraid to share what I am learning here on my blog or on Instagram, to simply go there without worrying what anyone else thinks about it. I have spent a crazy amount of time thinking about whether I should or should not write/share/ask the tough questions and where I should share. But it's time to simply go for it, and let God use it in a way that we know only He can!So this year, this is what I am going to do (and I give you permission to hold me to it):
I'm not holding back! I'm so tired of holding back. I feel as if I have been holding back parts of myself my entire life. I might end up being way too much. I might go too far. But if I am going too far because of a deep love for Jesus and wanting to share that with all, I am ok with that. I don't want years to pass, and then wish I would have gone deeper and farther.
I'm owning my own truth - no filters. I am not telling a friend that I'm great when I have struggled with loneliness the past two weeks. I am not making my life out to be a pretty picture, especially with my friends. I love my life, but we all have daily struggles. I want to be the one who goes first sharing those, so that my friends can be the ones who get to say, "me too".
I am not going to keep thinking that the things that I will do in the future will be better than what I am doing right now.
I'm going to enjoy the process. The process of raising my kids, the process of keeping our marriage strong during these days with young children at home, the process of building deep friendships, and the process of being in the very beginning stages of this writing thing I'm dreaming up. It's all a process, and arriving is a myth.
I am going to keep making rest a priority. Good quality times of restfulness. I'm learning that rest looks different for each person, but it needs to be a regular routine in my week.
I want to BE WHERE MY FEET ARE! Be present more! Be focused exactly where I am at...not in the future, not in the past, and definitely less time wherever instagram takes me.
So, here's to 34! The year I'm not holding back on! Tell me, is there something you need to just go for and stop holding back?