Bittersweet

Sitting here as I edited wedding images, I felt the sudden urge to share...to write.  I never know quite what to share, how much, or what to say because what I feel many days right now is hurt.  I am not all sparkly and fresh and happy all the time!  I can't always post something that looks "Facebook" perfect so sometimes I feel like why post at all.  But one thing that is always perfect in my life, one thing that always consistently brings me joy right now is Jasper.  In moments of sadness and hurt all I have to do is look at him, squeeze him, touch his precious skin to realize how much I have in my life.  Just when I sat down to write this though I didn't know what to say, so I got up, reheated my cup of coffee, and as I walked past my bookshelf I saw Shauna Niequist's "Bittersweet".  I grabbed it, opened to the first page, and read this...

"The idea of bittersweet is changing the way I live, unraveling the re-weaving the way I understand life.  Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.  

Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul.  Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity.  Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy."

Many days I am good at enjoying the sweetness that is weaved into all the bitterness that we are feeling right now, but I haven't done such a good job this week.  It's tough.  It's been especially hard for me because everything that we did throughout the month of October I have compared to last October.  I was so blissfully happy last October.  I can't even explain how happy of a month that was for me.  And, luckily, I realized it at the time even, not taking it for granted for a minute.  But every time we do something that we did last year at this time, I find myself comparing, saying just how happy it was last October.  What I wouldn't give to go back, to keep reliving October of 2011.  But the words that I need to remember are, "rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness".  Niequist's words seem to give me the permission to remember special moments that we have had recently as joyful even if they were also surrounded by sadness.  The whole memory will not tainted by the sadness, but the joy will be remembered as even richer because of it.

So today, the sun is shining (finally), and I am trying my best to rework the way I think, and realize that everything in life is a little bittersweet, even more than just a little sometimes.  It is amazing just how sweet small things can be when you have some bitterness in your life.  The bitterness makes me strong, and the sweet is pure happiness.  This picture is pure sugar it is so sweet!  I love my little boy.