Mom

My mom...she was my person.  If you have ever watched Grey's Anatomy, you get what I am saying.  She wasn't just my mom, and she wasn't just my best friend.  She was my person.  The person that I called when I had something to say and when I had nothing to say.  She was the person I went to for any form of advice, whether it be fashion, mothering, or life altering decisions.  She was the person that I called if I needed a spur the moment shopping trip or if I just needed to be with somebody so that I was not alone.  She was the person that knew all my secrets and yet was always there.  She was the person that I knew would always be there no matter what.  She was the person that could make everything better just by being.  She was the person that I called to tell anything and everything that happened throughout the day simply because without telling her it never felt as if it really happened.  She was my person.One day a few months back I told her that she was my person.  Being the Grey's Anatomy fan that she was she knew exactly what I was talking about. She said that I was her person too, but that she wished she wasn't.  Mom felt that it was too much pressure on me, and she knew how hard it would be for me when I inevitably lost her.  I just simply said that I would not have wanted it any other way.No matter how angry I have been that my mom got cancer, and how much that I feel that our family has been ripped off, I always know that there are many people that will never experience a love and friendship like our mom gave to us.  I may have not had my mom here with me for as long as I feel I should have, but the quality of time with her was more than most could ever hope for or dream of.  My mom was an amazing friend to all of us kids.  Many people throughout our lives never quite understood how we could be so close to our mom until they came over to our house and sat in the kitchen chatting with her.  When people came over we always all ended up talking with my mom.  It was just the way it was.This year on Mother's Day I wrote my mom a letter, here is a small part of it:I read a few months ago about this daughter interviewing her mother.  She asked her mom when she first felt like an adult.  The mom said that it was when her own mother died, because it was the first time that there was no one on earth that put her needs before their own.  She was no longer put truly first in anyone's life.  There is so much truth to that.  You always put all of us kids first - you have seven people ahead of you.  And this is the hardest thing for me to realize - because if I no longer have you, no one will ever put me first.  No one will drop everything if I need something.  Thank you for all the selfless acts you have done for me.  You have taught me so much about being a mom.  I love you so much!I have never felt more like an adult.  I have never felt so aged when I am with peers.  I have never hurt so badly.  I miss her every moment of every day since she's been gone, and I know that will not go away any time soon.  Everything in my life right now feels changed, and I am struggling to find our new normal.  But I know exactly what she would tell me to do...she would say to dive head first into everything Jasper.  To give all my time and energy to him and my family.  So that is what I have been trying to do this week...have new adventures with my little guy.  That would make her very happy.In the last days of her life, all of us were with her, the big family that she was so very proud of was all together.  And in typical mom fashion she was organized even to the extent of having a few songs written down that she wanted played at her funeral.  When we started talking about it with my dad he couldn't remember what they were exactly.  As he went to look what my mom wrote down I jokingly said, "We've got to play 'Gone Too Soon' by Michael Jackson."  He walked over, handing me the iPad, and right there in my mom's notes she had that song written down.  You see, at age ten my real dad died.  One night right after my dad died my mom walked into my bedroom, and I was playing this song.  I don't know if I remember this really happening or if I only remember it because my mom told me so many times.  Mom sat down beside me and I told her that we had to play "Gone Too Soon" at dad's funeral.  And so we did, as we walked out of my dad's funeral we heard that song.  And it was only fitting to hear that song again as we all walked out as a family, hand in hand, tears streaming. But this time, I couldn't have the song play without pictures that told my mom's story.  So here it is for all of you, here is a piece of my mom that I want to share with you all.  Life will never ever be the same without her.[embed width="853" height="480"]http://youtu.be/KMoXGzWRMGg[/embed]Someone told me that they would miss my mom's comments on my blog.  She commented on just about every single post...her encouraging words will definitely be missed.