So Far In
Monday, I got the urge to organize. When the urge to organize hits, I have learned to put everything else that needs to get done aside and completely embrace it. I can't fight it and who knows when it will come around again. So, I tackled my office...the room that has become the catch all room. For months now, there have been stacks of personal pictures, Jasper's art projects, my camera equipment, Christmas presents, and anything that didn't have a place - all on the floor of my office. Usually, I cannot work if my office is a complete mess, but I have been too busy to care. It was time to finally clean up.As I found a place for everything that was out of place I discovered a notebook. I flipped through it, and I found something that I wrote when Jasper was only 3 1/2 weeks old. I was overwhelmed and simply exhausted. I wrote..."The past three weeks have been exhausting. I have learned so much, and I guess I wasn't expecting to be surprised by so much. There have been more moments of exhaustion, tears, confusion, helplessness, being overwhelmed, hopelessness, and feeling like life will never be normal again. I didn't realize that these moments many days far outweigh the good moments, but when Jasper looks at me, or is sleeping soundly, or I kiss his tiny hands it makes up for it all and melts my heart."Everything in my life that I felt I knew, no longer seemed the same. And throughout the rest of my writing from that day, I listed fears of things in my life that I felt I would never be able to fully enjoy again. My head was so filled with the daily tasks of taking care of a newborn that I couldn't even imagine ever getting out of that phase. I was consumed by it, and rightfully so...he was only 3 1/2 weeks old at the time. But I couldn't see outside of it because I was so far in.Reading and reliving that now almost seems silly to me. I just smile at my old self, knowing that I did get back to a new normal. My life is definitely not the same as it was before Jasper, but all the fears that I had are not so terrifying anymore. It did take time though; it took months to feel like we were in a regular flow of daily life.As I read this, I couldn't help but compare this to where I am now. Everything in my life that I felt I knew is no longer the same without my mom. There are many days that I am mentally exhausted and some days where I am physically exhausted trying to fill too many roles. There are so many tears, even more tears than my hormonal self with a 3 1/2 week old baby. There are moments of confusion, wondering if this is all real, and split seconds of thinking that I should call my mom before realizing that I can't. There is so much helplessness, wanting to make it all ok for my siblings and my Dad but knowing I can't take their hurt away. This Christmas season is so overwhelming, trying to fill shoes that are way too big. Some moments I feel absolutely hopeless, thinking I will never be able to feel happiness without the sting of grief ever again - at which point I usually send myself to bed because if I feel hopeless, it is just the exhaustion setting in. And every moment of every day, I feel as if life will never ever be the same.And just as I was too far in with a 3 1/2 week old baby to see outside of it, I am so far in the depth of grief after losing my mom 4 weeks ago to see that, as hard as it is to say, life will go on. I know this from experience, life was amazingly beautiful even after my Dad's death, and yet I still can't believe that it will happen again. With anything life altering, it takes time to begin to create a new normal.So, I take my past words as comfort. Seeing where I was and knowing that I made it through, this hard time too shall pass. I will look back and read this and smile one day knowing how far my family and I have come. But I know, that no matter how much time has passed, it will never hurt any less.Waking up to my little boy makes every day so much brighter...
