Welcome Into My Mess
If you have been reading my blog for awhile, you know how big of a fan I am of the writer Shauna Niequist. She has wrote two books, Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet, and her third, Bread and Wine, comes out in April. I am lucky enough to be reading a pre-released copy right now of Bread and Wine to review in the upcoming weeks on my blog, and it is nothing short of amazing.Shauna's words are what I wish mine could be. Her words always make me feel like I am not the only one. And she is constantly challenging me. Watch this video about Bread and Wine, "Into the Mess".[embed width="853" height="480"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PYdtHkWZvw&feature=youtu.be[/embed]Today, I invite you into my mess. And it is not at all pretty. I read a couple months ago somewhere that grief is one of the last taboo subjects in our culture. I had to think about that one for awhile, and after a few months of being in the depths of grief I believe this to be true.I am tired of being strong all the time, but that is what seems to be expected. When people ask how you are doing, if they have the courage to even ask, they want to hear that you are doing ok. I think most would be terrified and want to run away if you began crying telling them how badly it hurts and how alone you feel. And the few times that I was too weak to hold it in and let everything bubble over, I felt like I was some crazy woman that can't keep it under control. Many times if I just bring up a story of my mom in conversation people quickly change the subject, almost like me talking about her makes them uncomfortable. But in doing that, it only makes me feel more isolated.As you know from reading past posts about my mom, she was my person. I always knew I didn't have a lot of girlfriends, but I didn't really need them because my mom was always there. She was just about the only girl I talked to, at least on a daily basis...usually multiple times a day. I thought it may get easier, but right now it is only getting harder for me because I feel I am becoming more and more alone every single day without having that go to girl to call. It doesn't help that I am daily surrounded by all boys - my husband, son, dad, and four brothers. Which I love dearly, but they are boys! :)It is not easy because a relationship where you just pick up the phone for the silliest of things isn't a relationship that happens overnight. Some days I am motivated and encouraged to keep working on inviting people to coffee or for our kids to play, but some days I just don't have the energy to keep trying. It seems all these people already have their person, and they have fun with me but don't need me in the way I need them right now. A lopsided relationship never quite seems to work the way it should.It is hard to look someone in the eye and invite them into my mess. To tell them that I am having a rough day, and that I need them to listen. It is not easy because there is always a fear that they will look at me with big eyes and run the other way. It is not easy to hear someone's hurt, especially if you are in a happy place. There is always that fear that you could be here too someday, and you would rather not think about it. You can't think about it. I know that feeling, and I am positive I have been guilty of ignoring people's hurt in the past.But now, I am learning...when I am happy while a friend is sad, or sometimes even harder, when I am sad while my friend is celebrating - I think of this bible verse. Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."As always, Shauna Niequist puts it into words way better than I ever could. In the book Bittersweet she says...
I know we're busy. I know we forget sometimes. More than anything, I think, we so desperately don't want to say the wrong thing. It's impolite, we've been told to bring up nasty topics like loss and sadness. But if we don't bring it up, what are we left with? We talk about the easy things, the happy things, the weather, and then we leave one another totally alone with the diagnosis or the divorce papers.
When you're mourning, when something terrible has happened, it's on your mind and right at the top of your heart all the time. It's genuinely shocking to you that the sun is still shining and that people are still chattering away on Good Morning America. Your world has changed, utterly, and it feels so incomprehensible that the bus still comes and the people in the cars next to you on the highway just drive along as if nothing's happened. When you're in that place, it's a gift to be asked how you're doing, and most of the time the answer comes tumbling out, like water over a broken dam, because someone finally asked, finally offered to carry what feels like an unbearable load with you.
She goes on to say...
Say something, every time, and ask the simplest questions: How are you? What was it like? What can I do?
If anything, I am trying to learn from this. Maybe from experience, someday I can be a better support to someone. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable to create deeper relationships. Isn't that what we all really want? What we are all searching for in life?