Listen : My Mantra for Turning 29
There are a few times a year that I really begin to reflect, to look back at how I've done things, what worked and what didn't, how I've changed for the better or for the worse, and how to take the time needed to refresh myself for the coming year. One of those times is the New Year and the other is on my birthday. Today I turn 29, yes, the last of my 20's. I don't know quite how I got here already. I drive a mini-van now. I'm pregnant with my second child. I wake up for early morning runs before the sun to fit it into our crazy family life. I go on playdates. I listen to talk radio. And of all things, I think I am starting to seem really old to my brothers and their friends. The thing is...I am okay with all of this, which more than any of these probably makes me old.These late 20's have been a hell of a ride for me. I feel like I was just trying to hang on and now am trying to find myself all over again. We were all in that process of figuring out who we were in our early 20's and just went I began feeling comfortable the rug got pulled out from underneath my feet. And now I am here again, trying to define exactly who I am.I knew, but I never knew who I was without my mom. It's crazy how you don't see it at the time, but one person can define who you are. It's been almost 9 months since she died. The first three to four months were terribly hard, but at the same time seeing her sick was fresh. I knew she was in a better place and that truly she got the better end of the deal. I tried to do what I do best when I need a fresh start, and I dove into all sorts of new things. I signed Jasper up for gymnastics, I started doing my best to make new friends and friends for Jasper, I started a book club, I created family meal night, I renamed my business and reinvented it all, I began writing and reading more, and I simply kept busy.It wasn't until late Spring to early Summer began that it all began to slowly fall apart...work picked up and my refresh time slowed down, and on top of it all I was in my first trimester and not feeling too great. I began feeling just blah, day in and day out, and I couldn't shake the funk. But I kept so busy with work that I didn't take the time to face it, or maybe didn't want to. I tried to blame all of it on not feeling well, and as much as that was a part of it, I know it wasn't all of it. I wasn't taking time to take care of myself, emotionally at least.This past month I finally read a book that has been on my shelf for a while now, The Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith. I've wanted to read it, but have been terrified to read it. She lost both of her parents to cancer, her mom when she was 18 and her dad when she was in her 20's, and she was an only child. There are so many words from her book that I have been exactly my thoughts, and it felt good to read them from another person that has been there. There was one particular part that really grabbed me and I know has already changed me.
After awhile I found myself staring, not up into the night sky, but instead into myself. Looking right into all the things I'd been trying so hard not to see.
I'd been running for so long that I didn't even know what I was running from...
...I feel a wave of disappointment. I have no idea who I am. My whole life seems like a series of reactions to my parents' death.
...I start taking baths every night. In the beginning I hate listening to the thoughts in my head. I constantly battle the urge to get up, to turn the TV on, to call someone, to go somewhere.
Sit here, Claire. Listen to yourself. You owe yourself at least that.
And so I listen.
I haven't taken the time to listen. There have been moments, but on those just okay days, when I felt something starting to bottle up, I would just brush it aside, keeping busy, and then waiting until it would all bubble over at a terribly tired moment.I need to carve time out to listen. To be silent and let my thoughts go there. Go to who I am, what I want, how to be better for my family and friends, and to also relive what has happened in my life the past two years and face it once again to be able to live the life that I want ahead of me.For the past eight months or more, I've been going to the gym three mornings a week to run. In the beginning it was winter, so I really had no choice but to choose the gym, but then as it got warmer my excuse to go there instead of run outside was that it was my only chance to watch the news all day (cartoons have taken over our household). But I don't know if that was 100% true. When I have my headphones in, I don't have to think. Running is one of the best times to be silent and let my mind wander. This week, I have ran outside and just with that simple change my mood shifted.
So, with the start of a new year and turning 29, my mantra is going to be listen. A few ways I know will help get me there are...
- Write consistently. It is my therapy, but yet for some reason I never make time for it.
- Get outside for my workouts. And once it gets cold, I still need to make it a time of silence.
- Dive into God's word each and every day. And with every worry go to Him.
When I turn 30 next year, I want to know where I fit, know who I am again.