Mothering without my Mom | My Messy Beautiful

Ellis will be three months old this weekend.  I cannot believe how fast time is going with her.  She is so precious and absolutely beautiful.  I always dreamed of having a daughter, but when I found out I was having a girl, it was bittersweet.  I never dreamed of doing this mothering job without my own mom here as my support, friend, and guide along the way.Life is hard.  So very hard.  Harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I always dreamed of my adult life like it would be a fairytale - husband, beautiful kids and cozy home.  I have all that, but it is far from the fairy tale I always imagined.I have never been naive to how life works.  My dad was sick for years when I was a child and died when I was only 10.  I knew from a very young age that life was not fair.  Yet for some reason I thought I had already had my fair share; that life had a way of keeping the playing field even.  I had had my tragedy, and I was grateful that I experienced it as a child and got it out of the way early.  But, what I have learned the hard way, is that there is no such thing as a fair share.  Like my mom always said, "No one ever said life was going to be fair."  Who knew she was so right?While I was in the hospital after the birth of Ellis, I was waiting for the breakdown.  Waiting for the moment that the hormones, exhaustion, and the gaping whole created by mom my not being there would break wide open.  And it did...on the second day, in the evening.  I was tired, I desperately needed some pain medication, and the nurses had just brought in our celebration dinner.  At our hospital, they set up a steak and shrimp meal along with all the sides, complete with table cloth, sparkling grape juice in champagne flutes, and a cake topped with a rubber duck.  It's wonderful.When I had my first child, Jasper, my mom held him while we ate our celebratory dinner.  She sat cuddling him on the couch while my husband and I had what felt like a date.  We didn't come close to eating it all, so my mom sat at our table set for two, holding Jasper in one arm and eating the leftovers with her free hand.The minute I sat down for our dinner to celebrate our baby girl, holding Ellis in my arms, the emotions caught up to me.  I could picture just where my mom sat holding Jasper, and I so desperately wanted her there with me again that my chest ached and my stomach wrenched into knots.  I sobbed.  It hurt, and my husband Trevor knew exactly why.  My nurse didn't know why though as she walked in to check on us.  She politely asked me if I was feeling a little postpartum.  I said no, but she still offered to take Ellis off our hands while we ate peacefully.  As she left, we had a little chuckle, wondering if I should have just spilled my story out onto her or if it was better just to play if off that I was tired to keep things simpler and less uncomfortable.Later that night though, that sweet nurse came back.  She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That crying was more than just being tired, wasn't it?"  So I explained as simply as I could that I had lost my mom to cancer last year, and that when I had my first child she was there with us every step of the way.  That having kids without her here has left a hole so huge that I didn't know how it would ever begin to be filled.  This 60+ year old nurse began to get tears in her eyes as she told me that she also had just lost her mom.  That it was hard, and she understood.  I realized right then that it is hard at any age to lose your mother.  A mom is the one person in this world that you can always depend on, the only one you can collapse on, and the single person that will always take care of us as if we are still a child.This baby girl is beautiful.  Life with her is beautiful.  Every day I wish my mom could see her, experience her, and even more so that Ellis would be able to know her.  I feel like my kids really got ripped off.  Yesterday as I was giving Jasper and Ellis their bath I said, "Oh, how I wish Mama could see you both."  Jasper knows this routine well.  He said as he always does, "You miss her, Mom?  You sad?"  And I responded as I always do, "Yes, I miss her.  It does make me sad."  But this time I added, "She was my Mom."  In this sweet small loving voice Jasper said, "And now you are our mom."  Yes, oh yes I am.Being a mom without having a mom is hard.  My mom was who I always leaned on.  Many days I don't know how to do get through the daily tasks of mothering without calling her, venting to her, asking for help or advice, but something beautiful has happened.  Each time that the struggle began to get too hard for me, each time I felt that I wasn't going to last another 5 minutes alone, a woman has come to me in a mothering way.  Whether it was calling me to say they would cook our huge family's Holiday meal that I was now in charge of, writing me with an encouraging word, or showing up on my door step with a cleaning caddy and their sweeper these woman have given me strength to keep moving forward, and gave me hope that I can still sometimes feel mothered myself.  I am sure my mom knew just when to send them to me.  She always knew what I needed better than I knew myself.I continue to find strength, encouragement, and love from my mom in so many ways.  I have a letter that she wrote me on Mother's Day two years ago hanging above my computer.  I read it every day, multiple times on the hard days.  It helps me feel her, as if she is still speaking to me, encouraging me, and loving me as her daughter.

Dear Leah,

I know I have said it before, but I am so very proud of the mother that you are.  I absolutely love Jasper, with all my heart, but the love I feel as I watch you be his mother is indescribable.  My heart swells with joy...there are no words to describe it.

I feel such joy knowing that I have passed on a heart for Motherhood.  I was never the mom that you are, but you are what all moms strive to be.  Jasper is number one in your life and you show that over and over again.  Jasper and your children to come are so very blessed.  You family just shines because of you!

I love you so very much!

Love, Mom

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I hope to be half the mother and friend to Ellis that she was to me.  Even though this dream of having a daughter is incomplete without having my mom here to share it, I love my messy beautiful life.GIVEAWAY!  Comment on how your life is beautiful and messy at the same time, and what or who inspires you to carry on.  I will pick one commenter at random to receive Glennon Melton's memoir Carry on Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life.  It is one of my all time favorite books.This week’s blog is a part of Glennon Melton at www.momastery.com’s  Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, Click Hereor visit http://momastery.com/messy-beautiful-warrior-friends/ to read the many other wonderful posts.   And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, Click Here!